Thursday, March 8, 2012

Snotty nose

Hideous night. So sad, can't seem to stop crying. All I can do is open my laptop and write this down. I miss my baby so much and I can't stop wondering about the moment she actually died. I wonder if it was from lack of oxygen. I imagine she inhaled a pathetic amount of breath, exhaled and then slipped away. I wonder if it was uncomfortable, if she felt it. When I held Penny for the first time, I kissed her tiny face, told her I loved her, and I told her several times "It's okay, Penny. It's okay, baby." I told her it was okay to die. I'm not mad at her for dying, her life was sad, and she struggled so much. God DAMN sometimes I think I'm dying too. I remember holding her on my heart and the bottom of her head brushed under my chin. It was soo soft. And I, rather weirdly, turned my head from side to side to feel its softness over and over again. She was already gone when I did this, so I knew it didn't annoy her. I know one day, if I get to have another baby, that that baby will help heal my heart, but I can't help feel now, that all I'll ever want in my daughter, Penelope.

I love you Penny. Forever and ever and ever.


  1. I wish I could tell you that one day the wanting will stop. But it doesn't. Even after the next who will most assuredly help heal your heart. Speaking for myself, I want Andrew now as badly as I ever did. I still miss him, still cry for him, still cry for me. I hope as time goes on, you will find a little peace. I did, even before Thomas arrived, but it took so long. Be gentle with yourself and roll around in the sadness as much as you need to. It's the blowing the snotty nose, wiping the red red eyes and going on for yourself that is important. Love you. Call if you need anything.