When I see a picture of Penny, it absolutely floors me. I can think of nothing else and I feel sick. I hate that. A small part of me still feels mommy-feelings. Pride, joy, but most of me feels nauseated and terribly, terribly sad. 

I love you so, so much baby.

I will not focus on today.
I'm even going to work.

If it's unhealthy to ignore this day, then so be it.

I've been meaning to blog, I've been feeling a lot lately, it just takes me a while to brace myself come here..

It's one year since Penny died in my arms. Not a great day.
I love you, sweet baby.

Christmas

I've never waited so long to break out the Christmas music. Last year it was November 2nd. Today is November 19th and I've put it on my Pandora. I feel warm, happy, and inwardly fuzzy. (That's a good thing.) I'm so relived. I'm scared to dislike the holidays. Years ago my sister's dad died on the exact same day as Penny, December 17th, she hates December. I'm so thankful that's not me, at least not yet. I still think I'm doing pretty good. :)

Dreams

Had a very vivid dream about Penny last night. Her birthday is approaching and I'm thinking of her even more lately. In my dream, sometimes Penny wasn't Penny, she was my next baby. It was odd.. but whoever she was I was beside myself. I cried with happiness constantly. I couldn't hold her very well, though. She was still very small, and I was convinced I was holding her wrong. I kept laying her on my bed or couch and just stared at her. Overall it was a really weird dream, but, it's November and I'm extremely thankful for it, and it was wonderful.

So bad.

Just an update, not sad, I can't be sad right now. But, just a regular ole update... My baby fever has developed to baby cancer. I've never in my life been so baby-having obsessed. Oh, Penny, how you've changed my entire life and thought process.

It hurts. Sometimes it's still so fresh.

Missing you

I've been very, very sad lately. I miss you.